Should You Leave Your Marriage?

‘Should I leave my marriage?’ I am often asked this question. Perhaps you have been pondering this yourself. If you have, there are a few things you should know.

In my experience, most people who leave their marriage regret it later. This is because of realizations that surface once they have left. Here are just some examples:



1.I left in a huff when I was really angry and didn’t really mean to leave.

2.I got stubborn. I said I was going to leave, and when he/she called my bluff, I had to carry it out or risk appearing weak.

3.I am unsure why I left. I know we were fighting a lot, but what was the problem? I am still not sure.

4.I took the wrong advice.

5.I thought life was going to be better.

6.I thought I would be happier.

7.I didn’t take responsibility for my part in the problem(s).

8.My ego wouldn’t let me say sorry, even though it was a small thing.



When should you leave your marriage? Leave if there is persistent abuse and your partner is not willing to change. Make sure it is abuse, though, and not an enduring misconception on your part. If you are not sure, talk to a Psychologist who is trained in the issues of abuse and relationships. Even then, be careful because many people carry their own agendas, even professionals, and are too quick to label something as abuse when it is not. One of the biggest errors professionals make is supporting a client’s point of view rife with misperceptions without knowing the context of the problem; in other words, without knowing both sides of the problem. It can and does lead to disastrous consequences.



At this time, simply because I see so many people getting this wrong, I will spend a moment to characterize abuse. The term abuse is defined as the purposeful, deliberate and concerted effort to have power and control over someone through various combinations of belittlement, put-downs, insults, physical assault, financial control, withholding of affection, labeling (for example, referring to the other person as mentally ill), threats of violence towards a person, pets, property or other loved ones, deliberate isolation (from friends, family members and or activities which would empower a person to revolt), mind games, etc. The intent, in the case of abuse, is to crush the other person’s self-esteem so that the abusive partner can dominate them and gain control.



Abuse and abusive behaviour are not necessarily the same thing. We can all do things that would be considered abusive, at times, but that does not necessarily mean that we are abusive. The difference lies in frequency and, as I have previously affirmed, intent. To know for sure whether or not you are in an abusive relationship, you should speak to someone clinically trained not only in the area of abuse but in relationships as well.

Can My Marriage Overcome an Affair?

It depends. It can if this is the first indiscretion and both of you are open to working on rebuilding the marriage. To rebuild, here are just some of the factors you will likely have to address:


• Loss of trust

• Anger and resentment

• Feelings of betrayal

• Urges to lash out

• Confusion

• Depression

• Broken communication

• Fear of losing the relationship, the life you have together, and the future you had assumed would always be there

• Shame – about doing what you did, about others finding out, etc.

• Guilt

• Embarrassment

• Recurrent thoughts about what has happened

• Obsessive need to find out exactly what happened down to the minutest details

• Tendency to distrust everything, even those things that have nothing to do with the affair

• Periodic desire to give up

• Emotional upheaval – sometimes feeling optimistic and sometimes feeling hopelessness

• Obsessive thoughts about your partner being intimate with someone else

• Feelings of revulsion when your partner, who has been unfaithful, touches you

• Learning to love again

• Learning to forgive

• Becoming normal


A marriage can recover from an affair but the journey is thorny. You will need someone to guide you through it. Even then, the process is very difficult and painful and it will require a lot of work. In my experience, however, the result is always worth it in the end; so don’t give up.

The Imposter Syndrome

The Imposter Syndrome

Many people in their professional lives suffer from the ‘imposter syndrome’, the belief that they are unworthy of the position they hold, do not have the necessary skills or education required for the job they do, and will lose their jobs as soon as the secret is out. This is as true in Calgary, Alberta, the land of oil money, as anywhere else.

When Is An Addiction an Addiction

When is an Addiction an Addiction?

‘I only have a few beers every now and then.’ ‘Sure I smoke Marijuana but I don’t have a problem.’ ‘I don’t have a gambling problem.’


I work in the area of addictions and statements such as these are quite common in my experience. Usually, in cases like these, the person making the statement has been (unwillingly) brought into my office to get help, and there is disagreement about whether the reluctant party actually has a problem.


So when is an addiction actually an addiction? I have talked about this subject before in different ways and will outline, once more, when there is a good chance someone has a problem.


Just the mere fact that a person engages in an activity frequently does not necessarily mean he has an addiction - a few additional criteria must be met before we can establish whether that particular circumstance depicts an instance of addiction. In my opinion, there is a good chance a person has an addiction if he meets three or more of the following criteria:

• Thinks about engaging in the activity continually

• Makes elaborate plans for engaging in the activity

• Hides or attempts to hide what he/she is doing from others

• Tries to abstain but is unable to

• Tends to get agitated, angry, and or belligerent when someone attempts to intervene

• Has had trouble with the law as a consequence of the activity

• Has had conflict with family and/or friends as a consequence of the activity

• Has wasted a lot of time in pursuing the activity

• Has missed work or has had problems performing at work because of the activity

• Has had problems with employer as a consequence of the activity

• Has had financial problems as a result of the activity

• Has had health problems as a consequence of the activity

• Tends to be moody and reactive

• Is restless and anxious if he/she has not engaged in activity for a while


There are other signs too, but these are some of the more prominent indicators that a problem exists.


When should a person seek help?

If a person has tried to abstain on his/her own and has been unsuccessful, then it is a good idea to seek professional help.
How long does a person have to be doing the activity before it can be considered a problem?

I am sometimes asked this question. The duration of time does not matter – some people develop a problem very quickly, others take time. If the person meets the criteria I have mentioned above, then he/she likely has a problem.


How long does it take a person to quit?

If a person has been involved in an activity for a long time, it is possible that it could take him/her longer to quit compared with someone who has been engaging in it for only a short period of time; but this may not necessarily be the case. Individual differences, personality factors, desire to quit, personal and social resources the person has, all of these play a role in how long a person takes to quit.


What is the chance a person may never quit?

Very small. An older person with an addiction is not a commonplace occurrence; in fact, it is quite rare. Most people do quit eventually, though many struggle in their first few attempts to do so. I would suggest that failure on the road to abstaining from an addictive behavior not be perceived as a failure, but instead should be seen as a person perfecting his/her approach to getting it right.


Are addicts bums?

No. The word ‘addict’ is an offensive term. It is oppressive and used to hurt people. When people think of addicts they immediately think of the images depicted on TV or what they perceive when they drive through downtown. That person downtown has more than an addiction as a problem.
People with addictions are no different than you and me, but have simply acquired bad habits- habits they themselves (most of them, anyway) would like to be rid of but cannot seem to; the habit won’t let go of them. Changing a habit is difficult business, even a seemingly benign one like changing an unhealthy diet, not eating donuts, drinking less coffee etc. To mistreat someone solely on the grounds that they possess a bad habit is neither fair nor civilized.